Minggu, 22 Oktober 2017

So here we are...
To the people who said my life was that easy. They thought my life was complete. I dont have to strive with financial issue because I got my pocket money regularly plus a lot of rupiahs from the house I've stayed at. I have a super duper lovely boyfriend that loves me so much and I still have a complete family that always support me plus the fact that I am never grumbling about my life in social media. My life was perfect, in appearance, but who knows what really happened to me after graduation? Seriously if you thought my life was that easy well yeah because I dont want to annoy anybody with my complain. My life isnt always full of happiness. After graduation I almost never spend my money just to hangout in a hype cafe in town, even to buy some make up or pampering myself in salon like the way I used to. I also have issues (too many issues) with my family but I am not supposed to tell those issues of course even to my bestfriend. I study, A lot, for months. And I am still going to study more after I got my first job. Not to mention that I had to face soo many tests and interview lately. My relationship isnt always a lovey dovey story too/ We argued, a lot, hurt each other, a lot, but I never tell anyone about what happened between me and bae. And still, there are soo many issues that really tear me down, makes me crying every night, but who cares?
Graduation is a big change for me. Bestfriends come and go. To be honest, I am feeling alone these two years if there is no bae that always listening my crab and my depression towards life. I mean, hey, do you know we actually fight for our own battle in life? The way you underestimate other's life is soo soo disgusting. Why is some people loves to feel like a victim in everything?

Jumat, 24 Maret 2017

My dear, if you ever read this writing, I would say thank you. Finally, it's over even it's just for the time being. I'm not sure what's really happened to me months a go. The depression consumes me. I'm feeling crazy for endlessly crying like seriously everyday, feeling down, lost hope, and it's sickening. The pressure was THAT real. I was wondering and keep asking why. There are those bunch of people around me, but why me? No one helps, even my parent and my bestfriend were soo ignorant back then.

But thank God I have you. You help me through the bad days, and it (really) means a lot to me. love you.

Sabtu, 26 November 2016

My pretty baby

   Everyone says you're really pretty and how lucky I am having you as my princess. The thing is, you're really pretty indeed. I remember when we're in the groceries, and a couple of granny stopped by just for telling us, why are you so pretty? They said they'd never seen any girl as pretty as you in this town. I don't know why is your face always catching people's attention. It seems like everyone is admiring you, and envy me for having you.
   When we're shopping, or eating in the restaurants, there will always some people who smiles at you, gives you a free food or drink, asks your name, and the craziest thing a stranger ever did to you was suddenly giving you presents. It actually annoys me, a bit. But I don't care. I don't really care if everyone is saying you're pretty and treating you that good, It doesn't stop me from torturing you every night or whenever I want to. I don’t know why they're adoring those almond-shaped eyes of yours, but it actually is sickening me. Everyone's loving your smile but me. I'm sorry for slapping you in the face or yelling at you without reason. Some other time I could suddenly pull your hair or lock you in the room for days and feeling happy whenever you're crying, begging and pleading.
   I never have an intention to do that, I swear, I just can't help myself. I want to love you as much as everyone did to you and counting your pretty face as a blessing but baby girl, why you look utterly similar to that jerk who gave me wounds and left me right after I gave birth to you. Your eyes, your lips, your brown curly hair, the way you laugh, the way you glance, or even the way you make your cereal for breakfast before you go to school. I don't mean to hurt you pretty baby, but why is everything about you remind me of him?

Rabu, 17 Februari 2016

Senin, 21 Desember 2015

Tell Me

Currently listening to: Cater 2 you - Destiny's Child

I want you to talk to me, when you suddenly awake in the middle of the night or in the afternoon when the workload at your office is stressing you. I want to be those only two-or-three people that know the story behind the scar near your ear. I want to know why did you learn chinese instead of any other languages in the world. And dont forget that I could be your shelter whenever you need someone to be with through the bad days. Tell me your hopes, your past, your biggest fear, what makes you exaggeratedly happy. Yes, I'm the girl who supports you no matter what, be your number one supporter, a good listener when nobody hears your scream. I wanna be the highlight of your days eventhough I know, you have priorities. So, hey, mon cher, you have me, you are not alone. And you wont be alone.

Minggu, 29 November 2015

A selfish note

"Maybe this is selfish, but I don't want you to forget me. I want to linger in your memory. I want you to think of me when you're driving down the street with some other girl in your passenger seat. I want you to wish I was there because she's not singing and she's not taking pictures of you. I want you to think of me every time it rains. Every time you choose water over soda or coffee. Every time you make love. Maybe that's asking too much, but I hope it drives you crazy. How you can't get me out of your memory. I hope you wish you never let me go. Who am I kidding. I know you will. I know you already do. Because I was the best goddamned thing that ever happened to you."

Letters to T.J via @poemsporn_

Kamis, 02 April 2015


Jenna, aku jatuh cinta. Pada tawanya yang renyah dan suaranya yang khas saat ia merajuk. Jemarinya lentik. Menyentuhku lembut perlahan dan melemahkanku saat itu juga. Dan sejak sentuhannya yang pertama, mendorongku untuk bisa terus menyentuhnya, Mendekap erat tanpa melepasnya.

Jenna, kumohon ijinkan aku bertemu dengannya, sekali lagi saja. Kau harus tahu betapa menderitanya aku ketika tidak melihatnya meski sehari. Aku senang memperhatikannya, atau jika kau keberatan, akan kuperhatikan ia dari jauh. Sehingga untuk saat ini, ia tidak melihatku. Sehingga ia tidak tahu bahwa ada sosok yang selalu memperhatikan tingkahnya dan menyayanginya dalam diam. Seperti yang kau mau.

Jenna, maafkan aku, tapi dia sangat cantik. Kulitnya seputih porselin, dan matanya cokelat dengan tatapan sayu menghangatkan. Bagaimana aku tidak jatuh cinta.

Pernah tanpa sengaja aku mendengar ia menangis. Entah karena apa. Tahukah kau tangisnya mengiris perasaanku juga? Aku tidak ingin mendengarnya menangis, Jenna. Atau mengetahui bahwa suatu saat ada orang yang akan menyakitinya.

Satu tahun telah berlalu dan akhirnya aku tahu, namanya Maria. Gadis cantik itu bernama Maria. Seharusnya aku sudah tahu sejak lama. Jika saja kau mengijinkannya, Jenna. Mengijinkanku untuk mengenalnya lebih awal.

Jadi, apa yang bisa kulakukan untuk menebus dosaku padamu, Jenna. Kesalahan terbesar yang kulakukan pada perempuan yang mencintaiku, atau pernah mencintaiku, yang sebenarnya juga masih kucintai.

Entah permintaan maaf seperti apa yang akan meluluhkanmu. Permintaan maaf seperti apa yang dapat membuatmu mengijinkanku memiliki Maria. Aku mencintainya, Jenna. Aku mencintai Maria. Aku juga ingin memeluknya, mencium keningnya saat ia tertidur, seperti yang kau lakukan setiap malam, setahun belakangan ini. Terima kasih untuk terus memperjuangkannya, dan tidak menghiraukanku yang memintamu membuangnya saat itu.

Dan jika kau masih tidak membiarkanku bertemu dengannya, maka akan kulakukan cara apapun agar bisa menemuinya. Menemui Maria-ku.

Aku akan menghujaninya dengan kado di setiap ulangtahunnya, menjemputnya di sekolahnya, menelponnya setiap malam, menghiburnya jika ia bersedih, Itu semua akan kulakukan agar ia tahu, bahwa ayahnya sangat mencintainya.

Minggu, 09 November 2014

to an old man

Dear a man whom we love from the very beginning of our life. You should be healthy. A lot of our dream still waiting in line for us to achieve. I promised myself I would like to encourage you to have routine medical check-ups. You used to be our superhero, but why are you like this? Dont you wanna see me as a bride years later? Or playing with my child while I'm busy to maintain my job? So please, truthfully, it's hard to seeing you like this. Do you think I'm happy knowing that you cant do anything by yourself even walking by your own feet? Do you think I dont care? I know we do not really have that common relationship, what we have all this time is love-hate relationship. Dear mister, I'm no good at expressing my feelings towards you, but everytime I mention you in my pray, I can't handle my tears to roll down my bareface. We love you, you should know it. And I know, deep inside you dont wanna be a burden. So things you should keep is your health. And we hope you really-really mean it, mister.

Rabu, 22 Oktober 2014


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