My dear, if you ever read this writing, I would say thank you. Finally, it's over even it's just for the time being. I'm not sure what's really happened to me months a go. The depression consumes me. I'm feeling crazy for endlessly crying like seriously everyday, feeling down, lost hope, and it's sickening. The pressure was THAT real. I was wondering and keep asking why. There are those bunch of people around me, but why me? No one helps, even my parent and my bestfriend were soo ignorant back then.

But thank God I have you. You help me through the bad days, and it (really) means a lot to me. love you.

My pretty baby

   Everyone says you're really pretty and how lucky I am having you as my princess. The thing is, you're really pretty indeed. I remember when we're in the groceries, and a couple of granny stopped by just for telling us, why are you so pretty? They said they'd never seen any girl as pretty as you in this town. I don't know why is your face always catching people's attention. It seems like everyone is admiring you, and envy me for having you.
   When we're shopping, or eating in the restaurants, there will always some people who smiles at you, gives you a free food or drink, asks your name, and the craziest thing a stranger ever did to you was suddenly giving you presents. It actually annoys me, a bit. But I don't care. I don't really care if everyone is saying you're pretty and treating you that good, It doesn't stop me from torturing you every night or whenever I want to. I don’t know why they're adoring those almond-shaped eyes of yours, but it actually is sickening me. Everyone's loving your smile but me. I'm sorry for slapping you in the face or yelling at you without reason. Some other time I could suddenly pull your hair or lock you in the room for days and feeling happy whenever you're crying, begging and pleading.
   I never have an intention to do that, I swear, I just can't help myself. I want to love you as much as everyone did to you and counting your pretty face as a blessing but baby girl, why you look utterly similar to that jerk who gave me wounds and left me right after I gave birth to you. Your eyes, your lips, your brown curly hair, the way you laugh, the way you glance, or even the way you make your cereal for breakfast before you go to school. I don't mean to hurt you pretty baby, but why is everything about you remind me of him?

You are a locked window during February in Tomsk

Find somebody worthy. I am not a grateful person. I dont wanna livin in a prison maximum security.

Tell Me

Currently listening to: Cater 2 you - Destiny's Child

I want you to talk to me, when you suddenly awake in the middle of the night or in the afternoon when the workload at your office is stressing you. I want to be those only two-or-three people that know the story behind the scar near your ear. I want to know why did you learn chinese instead of any other languages in the world. And dont forget that I could be your shelter whenever you need someone to be with through the bad days. Tell me your hopes, your past, your biggest fear, what makes you exaggeratedly happy. Yes, I'm the girl who supports you no matter what, be your number one supporter, a good listener when nobody hears your scream. I wanna be the highlight of your days eventhough I know, you have priorities. So, hey, mon cher, you have me, you are not alone. And you wont be alone.

A selfish note

"Maybe this is selfish, but I don't want you to forget me. I want to linger in your memory. I want you to think of me when you're driving down the street with some other girl in your passenger seat. I want you to wish I was there because she's not singing and she's not taking pictures of you. I want you to think of me every time it rains. Every time you choose water over soda or coffee. Every time you make love. Maybe that's asking too much, but I hope it drives you crazy. How you can't get me out of your memory. I hope you wish you never let me go. Who am I kidding. I know you will. I know you already do. Because I was the best goddamned thing that ever happened to you."

Letters to T.J via @poemsporn_

Maria

Jenna, aku jatuh cinta. Pada tawanya yang renyah dan suaranya yang khas saat ia merajuk. Jemarinya lentik. Menyentuhku lembut perlahan dan melemahkanku saat itu juga. Dan sejak sentuhannya yang pertama, mendorongku untuk bisa terus menyentuhnya, Mendekap erat tanpa melepasnya.

Jenna, kumohon ijinkan aku bertemu dengannya, sekali lagi saja. Kau harus tahu betapa menderitanya aku ketika tidak melihatnya meski sehari. Aku senang memperhatikannya, atau jika kau keberatan, akan kuperhatikan ia dari jauh. Sehingga untuk saat ini, ia tidak melihatku. Sehingga ia tidak tahu bahwa ada sosok yang selalu memperhatikan tingkahnya dan menyayanginya dalam diam. Seperti yang kau mau.

Jenna, maafkan aku, tapi dia sangat cantik. Kulitnya seputih porselin, dan matanya cokelat dengan tatapan sayu menghangatkan. Bagaimana aku tidak jatuh cinta.

Pernah tanpa sengaja aku mendengar ia menangis. Entah karena apa. Tahukah kau tangisnya mengiris perasaanku juga? Aku tidak ingin mendengarnya menangis, Jenna. Atau mengetahui bahwa suatu saat ada orang yang akan menyakitinya.

Satu tahun telah berlalu dan akhirnya aku tahu, namanya Maria. Gadis cantik itu bernama Maria. Seharusnya aku sudah tahu sejak lama. Jika saja kau mengijinkannya, Jenna. Mengijinkanku untuk mengenalnya lebih awal.

Jadi, apa yang bisa kulakukan untuk menebus dosaku padamu, Jenna. Kesalahan terbesar yang kulakukan pada perempuan yang mencintaiku, atau pernah mencintaiku, yang sebenarnya juga masih kucintai.

Entah permintaan maaf seperti apa yang akan meluluhkanmu. Permintaan maaf seperti apa yang dapat membuatmu mengijinkanku memiliki Maria. Aku mencintainya, Jenna. Aku mencintai Maria. Aku juga ingin memeluknya, mencium keningnya saat ia tertidur, seperti yang kau lakukan setiap malam, setahun belakangan ini. Terima kasih untuk terus memperjuangkannya, dan tidak menghiraukanku yang memintamu membuangnya saat itu.

Dan jika kau masih tidak membiarkanku bertemu dengannya, maka akan kulakukan cara apapun agar bisa menemuinya. Menemui Maria-ku.

Aku akan menghujaninya dengan kado di setiap ulangtahunnya, menjemputnya di sekolahnya, menelponnya setiap malam, menghiburnya jika ia bersedih, Itu semua akan kulakukan agar ia tahu, bahwa ayahnya sangat mencintainya.

to an old man

Dear a man whom we love from the very beginning of our life. You should be healthy. A lot of our dream still waiting in line for us to achieve. I promised myself I would like to encourage you to have routine medical check-ups. You used to be our superhero, but why are you like this? Dont you wanna see me as a bride years later? Or playing with my child while I'm busy to maintain my job? So please, truthfully, it's hard to seeing you like this. Do you think I'm happy knowing that you cant do anything by yourself even walking by your own feet? Do you think I dont care? I know we do not really have that common relationship, what we have all this time is love-hate relationship. Dear mister, I'm no good at expressing my feelings towards you, but everytime I mention you in my pray, I can't handle my tears to roll down my bareface. We love you, you should know it. And I know, deep inside you dont wanna be a burden. So things you should keep is your health. And we hope you really-really mean it, mister.

?

Aku dan kamu
Adalah dua individu penuh ego yang kesepian.
Bertemu untuk bertahan dan saling memanfaatkan.
Sampai kapan?

~

Hai sang pemimpi
Tukang tidur yang tidak pernah peduli dimana dia tidur
Sepagi ini apakah kamu masih mendengkur?

playing victim, it is our habit nowadays, isn't it?

People are often
unreasonable and self-centered
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are honest,
people may cheat you.
Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness,
people may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today
may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end,
it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.


- Mother Theresa -


Berapa kali kita dikecewakan oleh ulah manusia, lalu kita melampiaskan kekecewaan kita pada manusia lain? Berapa kali kita disakiti oleh ulah manusia, lalu kita memutuskan untuk menyakiti manusia lain for the sake of our ego? Manusia yang menyakiti dan mengecewakan kita bisa saja juga terlebih dahulu disakiti dan dikecewakan oleh manusia lain. Kemudian manusia-manusia yang kita sakiti dan kita kecewakan melampiaskannya pula pada manusia lain. Lalu mau sampai kapan?
Kita selalu merasa kita adalah korban atas ketidak-adilan, tapi benarkah? Apakah kita tidak termasuk tersangka yang membiarkan ketidak-adilan itu tetap terjaga?
Oh, well let us end this crap anyway